What a year 2018 was. Although I mostly failed to keep this blog up over the years, the one tradition I always managed to maintain was the annual new years post. And this new blog calls for a new level of detail into my yearly updates. So here it goes.
For all the amazing memories that my phone camera roll tells me I had, 2018 felt to me like a blur in the rush that is trying to stay afloat in life right now. It’s safe to say that however bad 2017 was, 2018 was worse. But although I know it was worse, it doesn’t feel worse. I think that’s because 2017 had SO much bad but mixed with SO much good. 2018 had much less bad, but didn’t have nearly as much good to tip the scales back. All that said though, I still consider 2018 a better year than 2017 overall.
Perhaps part of my reason for my optimistic outlook is because Her and I are good again. I know that seems crazy given the post I wrote only a week ago, but it’s hard to describe. I talked to her night-before-last about everything… because things were still so off with us. We had a real, in-depth true conversation about where we’re at, our lives, the situation, and where we need to go… and the outcome was so much better than I could have anticipated. Through the course of that conversation, we talked about how her and I do things so differently. I have mostly run our lives since we got together, because I’m a very Type-A analytical methodical person, and she’s not that way. She doesn’t have to have everything done, everything line up, and everything completed in order to be able to relax. We discussed how we got here, with our huge house with a pool and hot tub and friend group, and the paths we had to take in order to achieve all this. I told her that I wasn’t just trying to run our lives, but that I wanted ALL of this for her. I knew that she didn’t do things the same was as me, but that in order to have all of THIS, we’d have to do things this way. Sure, we could have not done things this way and had a different life that we could have both managed together, but I wanted this life for us, at least once in our lives. – And to do that, I knew that I would have to take on all the responsibility of running this life, of up-keeping every little aspect and maintaining it all because she doesn’t operate the same as me. I told her how when I began this venture, my plan was to get us here, and maintain it until we moved out west… because that was always feasible. I never imagined that during this phase we both would end up with jobs making $70k+ a year separately, or that I would have the responsibility that comes with that this early on. That combined with the wearing stress of up-keeping THIS much on a day to day basis for years (work all day, work on the house all evening, have 30 minutes to relax and then get less sleep than needed, every, single, day..) ended up wearing me down to the point that I can no longer handle all of this on my own.
I expressed in the conversation with her how the issue of Her and I, and all that we were going through with this other guy in her life was HUGE to me… it was also likely contributing to my overall stress which may have helped burn me out quicker than I had anticipated… but that issue was only 50% of the life problem that I’m facing right now. The inability to continue handling all of this alone was just as much of a problem… and that’s why I’ve been so discouraged lately… because the only way to fix the life problem is for her and I to be good and on the same page and for her to step in and help me…. but her and I weren’t good… so it seemed like there was no possible scenario where this ended well. But I had to believe there was a way…
After telling Her all that, we talked for quite a bit longer and she expressed how she was barely able to mentally handle all of this herself right now… I needed Her to be done with this other guy, and that alone was almost more than she could handle, but I also needed Her to step in and conform, albeit temporarily, to a lifestyle and way of doing things that isn’t her…. and how either one of these things alone would nearly mentally break her, but she had no idea how to possibly do them both at the same time. It was then that I had the idea.
Stepping out on a limb with a leap of faith, I told her “why don’t we just forget the issues you and I have been dealing with for the last year and a half, and look forward to this life issue together, hand in hand”. I suggested that we just SAY that we are good, and believe it together, like it was still us against the world, and we were facing this surviving life problem as one single unit, like we used to, and that we postpone the removal of him from her life for right now. Not that things would creep back towards her and him getting closer, but that things remain the same, and she not deal with cutting him out of her life completely right now… that things die off on their own accord. – That’s a big step for me, but I truly believe if we are simply “good” again, that we’ll reconnect through facing these life issue together, and that I won’t have an issue with her and him remaining friends for a little while longer. And we agreed, and that was that.
And although that was only two days ago… I feel like everything is right in the world again. Things between us have been… so fucking much better. It’s like there was never an issue to begin with… like we never actually lost her at all. Which, part of me knew that Deep down inside… but I can’t tell you how exhilarating it is to actually know that the feeling I had inside was right… that it still IS Her and I against the world.
We’ll have to see how this plays out… if it lasts… but if I were a betting man I’d bet everything that it will. We both have so much to gain from this lasting, from making it last… and so much to lose if it doesn’t. I have every confidence that the next post I write will carry the same trend as this one… and I can’t wait to write it.
Looking forward to 2019, I’m exited. I’m thrilled for the possibility. The way 2018 ended was so much worse than the way 2017 ended as far as status with the crew, friends, etc, that there isn’t a lot of room to go down from here. But if I implement the life changes I want to (eating healthy, reading every day, meditating daily, working out regularly, spending quality time with her at least once a week, etc), that life will change for the better in ways I can only imagine. I look forward to 2019, and cannot wait to follow up with the successes I’ll have achieved in next month’s update.
Oh, that’s the other thing. On top of all the new years resolutions I listed in parentheses above, I also am committing to writing once a month on this blog. Bringing it back and converting it to a website (that honestly looks way fucking better than I could possibly have fathomed when I started this project) gave me new inspiration to keep journaling. I missed so much during this phase of my life, and don’t want to repeat that mistake going forward. So monthly updates it is.
Happy New Year, and here’s to a fucking fantastic 2019!
