I had an eerie ‘just stop for a minute and look at your life’ moment tonight. It wasn’t inspired by anything in particular, like a life event or anything… I actually was just sitting in my hot tub and somehow got sent down memory lane with the music that was playing through the surround sound on our screened in porch, and somehow stumbled upon 100 years by Five for Fighting. I love the song, and it hasn’t been that long since I heard it last, I don’t think… but I was struck by it tonight. Her and I and my photographer friend were sitting in the hot tub just before it came on, then he went in, and She ended up going in also so I started to get out. I put the top back on the hot tub and climbed into the hammock on the porch, despite it being pretty cold out, and just listened to the song, staring at the stars through the screen. It struck me, sitting there just then, that I live such a fast paced life. I mean, I’ve known that for awhile, but it’s different when you actually slow things down for a moment to realize how fast you’ve been going. It dawned on me that I haven’t written in this blog in So long. Looking back just before I posted this, my last post was on New Years eve, last year. And the one before that was months prior. How did I let it get here? It’s not like I’m complaining… I love my life right now… I couldn’t be happier. Honestly. – But what am I losing by letting it go by so fast?
I know to a certain extent that this is part of growing older. I’ve been told countless times by my parents and grandparents that it only gets worse from here; that time will only continue to slip away more and more….. – And while I know that’s true to a certain extent, I feel like we can do things to slow life down a bit and appreciate it more.
Again, 2016 has been one of the best years of my life that I can remember. I’ve raved more this year than I thought was possible, gone to nearly every event… save for a couple weeks off in May and a couple weeks off in July/August, I’ve been Go Go Go with and event, trip, or party weekend since early January. Many of the months have had every single weekend booked with an event of some kind… and even the week nights aren’t free, as I have projects, friends, or other aspects of my life that seep in that take my time. I love this, I wanted this. I have a crew of friends around me that I call my family. The person I am now is someone I never thought I would be capable of being when I started this blog over 6 years ago… and that, in and of itself, is incredible to me. – But, is it at a cost? I don’t remember the last time I went camping… Save for our anniversary, we haven’t been up to a cabin in the mountains even once this year. – These were the times where I used to slow life down and force myself to take a deep breath, and appreciate the little things. I’ve been so busy shoving my life full of the big things that I lost sight of that somewhere.
A part of the feeling that I had laying in that hammock was one of awe. Awe that, I’ve been on my own since I was 15 for the most part… married at 20… and at 25 I have my dream house, with a huge pool, and I was laying in my hammock on my porch after relaxing in my hot tub…….. And these were all things that I’ve built through the life that I’ve created around me. The crew I’ve found, formed, come to love… whether it’s for better or worse; I kind of formed this crew. I just had a conversation with one of my best friends the other day about that… she was sad that her ideas for crew activities don’t stick, but I suggest something and everyone jumps on board. – I explained to her that it wasn’t that I was ‘leading’ the group… because I never asked for nor wanted that responsibility… but being that I did kind of form the group, I know all of the people incredibly well, so I usually only suggest ideas if I know that they’ll stick. – My point, is that, for better or worse, I’ve built everything around me, this insanely involved life that’s, honestly, everything I could dream of… from nothing.
I hesitated to write that last paragraph, because it could so easily come across like I’m trying to brag or something. Let me clarify; I am NOT. The reason I say for better or worse is the same reason that I evaluated all this with such deep emotion tonight. I don’t know that it’s good, what I’ve done here. – Yes, I think it’s awesome that I’m a go-getter… that when I want something, I usually always get it. That type-A drive has always been one of my favorite traits… but with great power comes great responsibility. In this case, I’ve built something incredible, I’ve surrounded myself with something incredible… one of the most involved, close friend groups I could ever picture… and I love that. – But with great power comes great responsibility; with great success comes great obligation not to fuck it up. As with all good things in life and true to the words of my favorite song; nothing lasts forever. However good this moment is… it’s not meant to last. It never was.
A part of getting older for me has been the recognition of the fact that no matter how much you like something, nothing lasts forever. – With the exception of Her and I, that has proven true for each and every single tiny aspect of my life. As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned to go into situations with that foresight. Originally, years ago, that used to make me shy away from situations because I didn’t want to deal with them ending… but as time has gone on, I’ve learned to love every step of the journey. I love how good something is, even though I know it’s going to end, no matter how it ends.
That last sentence made me think of a powerful line from the movie “Arrival” that we saw in the theater tonight. She said “Despite knowing the journey, and where it leads… – I embrace it; and I welcome *every* moment of it.” That, in definition, is what life has taught me so far. I’ve learned to love each phase of the moments in our life… the people that step in, and out, of it. The friendships, the relationships… I love the beginning… I love the middle, and even though it may hurt, and I may leave a small piece of me with them… I love the ending. It’s these moments, these interactions, that make up life. And that’s the life that I don’t want to let slip by un-noticed.
And so, my early new-years resolution for 2017, is to not let life get away from us. I’ve established in 2016; which, by far has been the best year of my entire life, that I can achieve my goals. I’ve established that I can reach for my dreams and accomplish them… that I can have the friendships and relationships that really matter to me… and that I can be truly happy. But, what is all this, if I don’t take the time to actually appreciate it? I need to find a balance between working so hard to make it happen and to keep it going, and actually taking the time to cherish it.
I think that last sentence is actually the working definition of life…. What so many people work towards on a daily basis. Nonetheless, that’s my goal for next year. Starting now.
How has the rest of my life been? I wish I could pour it all out on paper, the incredible adventures I’ve had this year. I probably will in my New Years Eve post… but the short version is…. The hell of a rollercoaster that is life has been more insane this year than it ever has been. – I’ve spent a whole year now at (or close to) the weight I want to be at. I’ve worked out a bit, tanned, and festivaled/raved the shit out of 2016. I did all this to be able to hook up like She has during our experimenting with this whole open relationship thing… and this year I found someone. 34 days ago (we have a running snap streak), I met this girl that has blown my mind. I will cut myself off from going into detail about this because I can (and likely will at some point) write an entire book on this… but, I’m happy. It doesn’t take away from Her and I, but I care about this girl a lot. I…. – I can’t even words with this. It’s… unique, and fun, and bad, and good, and…. Risky, but not for the normal reasons. To give you a brief glimpse at my life right now…. At the recent Voodoo Music Festival where she (lowercase she being the new girl I’m seeing, different from Her with a capital H, who is my wife and best friend lover) hung out with our crew for the first time. The other couple we’re kind of in a relationship with can’t understand why it’s okay with us to still do stuff with other people…. Because they don’t, and they haven’t walked the path that we’ve been down… so they can’t understand that doing stuff with other people doesn’t take away from what we have with them. – Anyway, at the recent Voodoo fest, she was there with our crew for the first time, and at one point during that weekend when everything was blowing up (people got too drunk and she accidentally told the girl of the other couple we’re kind of dating that she was planning to fuck me later that week…. I think she was trying to fix it, but was too drunk to realize that she was just fucking it up) I told Her that, “How fucked up is this situation? My wife and I are having to hide my mistress from my other girlfriend”. – In short, that summarizes my life right now 😂
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And yet, as fucked up as that may sound… I wouldn’t trade this moment for anything. This moment, right now, is everything. I don’t know what tomorrow may bring… but I’ll deal with it if this moment has to end. Because that’s what I need to do… because that’s a part of the journey. And, despite knowing the journey, and where it leads… – I embrace it; and I welcome *every* moment of it.
