The Eye of the Hurricane

Honestly, at this point I’m at what I would consider my lowest point. – But I have no project-able (don’t understand why that isn’t a word without the dash……) way out… I definitely am in the eye of whatever fucking life-altering way left field midlife crisis bullshit I’m going through…… but honestly, even on one of the strongest SSRI’s, I’m struggling to see the point of Everything I just went through the past three years, when it feels like it’s going to take at least twice that amount of time to get out of whatever special kind of hell I’ve degraded into.

I realize this is the closest to my birthday that I’ve made a post in years; and to be entirely honest, I’m not sure if I’ll make it to 33. I definitely won’t on my current trajectory.

I wrote a post a just a couple weeks ago; when I was realizing that this rock bottom I was in was not only not sustainable, and I had no way out… but also the hard realization that I might not make it out… 🫨

I need to talk to a professional therapist… I know this. The irony is not lost on me that I won’t make it out of this without seeking professional help, whilst I’ve known that for probably the better part of at LEAST a year, (more like two), I let my own ego get me to a physical point where I don’t think I could actually make it to therapy right now if I wanted to.. – So, somewhere down the line, I let myself consciously cross that line and didn’t seek the help I needed, and now I’m here.

And while we’re on the topic… where exactly is here? In the disconnect between my conscious and my subconscious minds that happened in late 2020 when I had my mental break, I somehow am only left with part of my functioning brain… – If I had access to the rest of my brain, I’d probably be able to pinpoint which fucking cortex or whatever and exactly what’s going on… but I haven’t had access to that portion of myself, or my personality, for the better part of 3 years at this point…. my subconscious made the decision to cut ties because I was already overworked and strung out enough that it needed to focus more of my subconscious mind on just keeping me functioning that I was able to commit while I still had access to both sides… so I had my mental break, and proceeded to just keep running myself into the ground more and more over the next 3 years till I ended up here. Barely alive, with what little of my personality I have left; stuck in this degraded version of myself that I don’t even recognize, but that is SOMEHOW still able to pull off being just normal enough to not lose my job (yet), which I’m fairly happy with considering most of my job is being on the phone and conference calls and communicating as an expert in my field… a field which I knew NOTHING about when I started this job 2 years ago…. somehow my brain is still able to pull THAT off; but nothing can seem to break the manic cycle I’m stuck in enough to actually reset me. And I’m too far gone to seek the actual help I need to survive…

like…

I wrote a post a couple weeks ago, which I only know because I have the faintest memory of me actually doing the action of writing the post, but almost ALL my memory is gone now, even short term, so beyond knowing that I actually made a blog post, I couldn’t tell you what was in it… not even the title 😐 – THAT’s where I am right now…

Anyway; I wrote that post because that was the day I gave up. I knew that taking oxy again after 7 weeks clean wasn’t to end any other way than full relapse… … which it proceeded to ramp up to over the course of 10 days. – But yesterday was the first day I took it regularly all day like I used to… and I stopped again last night.

What I can’t figure out is why…. I realize how narcissistic it sounds to say that I believe my mind is (or was at one point) fully capable of foreseeing this, and preventing it… but I didn’t. MULTIPLE. FUCKING. TIMES, looking back, I’ve had the opportunity to not end up here… and I know that because even my conscious mind, in it’s degraded state, is able to look back and pinpoint various points where I could have stopped this… so why the hell didn’t I?

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Last night we were completely out of TV to watch after two straight months in bed; so we started this show called Dave, which is about Lil’ Dicky and his real life shit he goes through. I binge-watched the first two seasons, thinking the season that just came out was season 2, and when I realized at 2:30am that it wasn’t, She had already fallen asleep, and I wasn’t about to watch a third fucking season straight with no breaks…

Anyway, where I was going with that was in season 2 of Dave (spoiler alert if you haven’t watched it), he essentially has to face his ego, or his other half… and admit that it was fear that was holding him back from being able to be artist he knew he was meant to be. – That kind of hit home; because, and this may sound kind of crazy when I actually write it out on this blog, but I know that my mind is constantly running simulations of different scenarios and how they would play out… it does this for my short term life, but also for the long game… — I think that when this whole thing went down with Her in 2020 and I almost lost Her…. I was afraid to act on any simulation once we actually got moved out here and on our own… I think partially because of the fact that it was the first time I didn’t actually have access to the simulations/projections… or at least that’s what I want to tell myself. But it was still ME that made this decision to end up here. – My subconscious is as much a part of me as whatever this pathetic attempt at consciousness with only one cortex of my brain is…. I’d almost say it’s ‘more’ me…. but then I have to accept that it was my fear that I was right about the fact that Her and I weren’t going to make it through this that let me end up here… – I literally built my entire life around her. We were in this together until we weren’t… and then I was on my own from 2017-2020, which life circumstances and the approach of potentially losing her when we moved ultimately caused my mental break…

The ONLY reason I can think of why my subconscious would choose this fucking route is if it was absolutely certain that Her and I weren’t going to make it through this long term, and it knew I’d rather die than try to restart my life without the only main subject of focus that I can even really REMEMBER anymore….

And it’s not like I can even access that part of my brain, so I can’t KNOW know that this is the route it chose, but now that I’m actually here, I can’t help but feel like even though it isn’t communicating directly with me anymore, my subconscious has left enough clues along the way for me to figure it the fuck out. – I guess I’m just… I want to say upset… but more than anything, I think I’m just sad.

I am so incredibly talented… and capable of virtually anything I set my mind to; and I knew that this was a highly probable outcome when I chose this lifestyle in 2012… I always tell myself I accept all possible outcomes before I do something, because my mind has run those simulations….. but I think here, I honestly didn’t… I just told myself that I was capable enough to prevent it from going that route…. I let fucking Ego get in the way of what was a goddamn perfect life with Her. We had this once in a lifetime thing… and I let hubris get in the goddamn way. Story of my fucking life I guess 😞

But no matter how much of my capability is locked away in the 95% of my mind I can’t access; the one part of me that is a natural-born core personality trait, is to never fucking give up. I think that’s why my subconscious kind of locked me out and tried to pull one over on me, landing me here, where I literally can’t get out… but that doesn’t mean I won’t stop fighting till the end… even now, when I’m barely alive, I’m still pulling all-nighters and shit trying to keep this job, the losing of which would completely cement our demise in stone… because I know at the end of the day, there’s a sliver of a chance I could be wrong… and if there’s even that sliver of a chance, it’s a chance worth goddamn fighting for 🤯

That’s why I am now, despite only relapsing 10 days ago, going cold turkey… because if there’s even a sliver of a chance of getting through the second half of this storm, the length and breadth of which I can already clearly foresee will be far longer, and somehow even harder than the first half… it’s not going to be while I’m addicted to oxy. So I stopped.

I don’t know if I’ll make it to my next post or not; shit… right now I’m happy just to wake up each day… but if I don’t, know that I never stopped fighting… and even though I may have actually “Forgotten”, I know that some part of me will ~Never Forget~