Over the years, Christmas has become less and less of a thing for us. Not because we don’t like it, but rather the strain of busy lives and getting started in our careers was such that we had less and less time to prepare for it, and thus it came up faster and went by faster each year. This year was no exception. What with her being in the medical field and having to work every other Christmas as it is, seeing family over the holidays hasn’t been a thing in several years.
This Christmas was different, though. I was hit with the perfect storm of busy work weeks while trying to fix our driveway (a several week project that is only half done), while also trying to spend every waking free second saving my Tumblr likes, posts, and other blogs that were inevitably erased from history on the 17th. Because of that, I found myself run down, sick, and waaaaaay behind when I finally went on holiday from work last Friday evening. Stack on top of that the fact that it took up until Christmas Eve just to get myself back to a point physically where I could actually clean the house and get ready to enjoy the holiday, it’s safe to assume we didn’t have much of a Christmas this year.
But that isn’t the worst of it. If it was just another busy Christmas flown by, I’d be able to reconcile that with the many more that we have to come. But this year, this year was without a doubt the saddest Christmas I’ve ever had. After we got the cleaning done yesterday, we had a few shots and smoked a bit and did a few whippets, and after some amazing sex, I chose to broach the subject of an issue I’d come upon regarding her and the guy she’s been fucking. It wasn’t probably the best time to bring it up, but it had been bothering me so immensely that I needed to talk about it with her before she left for another three days. I also somewhat wanted the chance to talk to her while she was slightly fucked up. Not for any kind of ‘advantage’, but just for the fact that if we were both slightly fucked up, it would change the tone of the conversation in such a way that it may not be as likely to go south as easily… – (THAT’s where were are at now…. sadly).
So I talked to her about the fact that I had accidentally stumbled upon a dashcam recording that made it look damn apparent that she was fucking him behind my back without telling me. I won’t get into all that right now, because there’s SO much more there… back story and what not… but suffice to say, if she was doing it, she stuck to her story and gave me some stuff; enough that she wouldn’t have to give all of what I had assumed in my head was actually going on. – It was a long conversation that spilled over into today and took us back to the roots of our foundation in our relationship… again… but it was necessary.
I don’t know how it ended. I think it ended well? It’s hard for me to tell in these things anymore… But she had to go back to work in a nearby town 1.5 hours away tonight for 3 days, so I have some alone time to process everything in my head… not that it will help me any.
There’s so much I haven’t filled in from the past year and a half of my life. Truthfully, there’s so much from the past 3-4 years that I’ve left out… which, if I had known things were going to go this way, I’d have not left all that out, because everything I left out is the precursor to how we got where we are today… but hindsight is 20/20.
I’ve never been more scared in my entire life that I may lose the only person that has ever mattered to me. It’s truly unequivocally terrifying… and it’s wearing on me mentally, physically, and overwhelmingly emotionally. I am going to write more in my 2018 review, to really recap the last year and a half and where we are now… because it’s needed. But for now I’ll say that we are two people who have so much fucking goddamn history, back story, and potential. Somewhere along the way, we drifted apart as we grew and changed into the people that we are today… and that slight distance grew to a greater void as the years went by. But we had always been SO strong in each other that nothing could touch us, that we didn’t really think anything of it, just figured we’d reconnect when we had time… until my search for absolution in my weight-loss long-term goal achievement led me to a relationship with a girl outside of Her and I, which led her to hers at the same time to deal with it. If I had known she’d fall in love with this guy and that the 1.5-year process of winding things down with him and the part we’re about to enter now where he fades out of our lives completely would mentally and emotionally break her, I wouldn’t have done any of it for a second. But here we are, she went way to deep in and isn’t mentally strong enough to handle losing him, and no matter how much she knows she can’t live without him and losing him will absolutely break her, she feels even Stronger on both those fronts towards me. – How do I deal with that? I’ve begged her over and over to let me be a part of it… to let me in completely, even if it’s just so I can hold her while she goes through it… but she doesn’t know how anymore. – She claims she has, but she hasn’t. Part of her logic that she gave today was that she isn’t bringing me in and bearing what she’s going through onto me because she’s trying to just put it out of her mind and pretend she isn’t going through it. But that isn’t helpful because the main thing keeping us from being able to reconnect and start rebuilding “us” is the fact that she’s in love with this guy. If she can’t let me in and let me go through it with her, and we can’t rebuild us until he’s out of her life, and she can’t figure out how to let go of him alone…. where the fuck does that leave Us??
Yeah. That was a lot. – And I know what you’re thinking…. ‘y’all need some therapy – stat.’ – And yes… we do. We haven’t gone up until now because he was living with us, and she couldn’t mentally handle letting go of him at that point, so we had set a date at the end of this year to begin the process of removing him from our lives… and I had chosen to deal through ‘them’ and seeing it every day, and living with that, for the rest of 2018… for Her… because I Love Her. – So we hadn’t gone to therapy because… I don’t really see the point in paying someone to tell us the obvious up front fact that things aren’t going to get better as long as he’s still a part of our lives. – So I worked it out that he moved out a couple weeks ago, and we’re coming up on that part where we’ll work on removing him from our lives… and yes, now we should probably go see a therapist. — But how do we find one? We can’t just go see any marriage counselor unfortunately… because our situation is so damn unique. We really need an open marriage counselor, or someone that deals frequently with people who fuck other people outside their marriage… but… those aren’t on every street corner. – We have found a couple we’ve considered in a nearby city, so we’ll look into that I guess.
There are days that I fear we’ll never make it back to where we came from… and then there are days that I’m like ‘obviously we’ll figure it out… we always do’. There are days where everything seems normal, and then there are days that the anxiety is almost too much to handle. Where we lie is probably somewhere in the middle of all that… Today was just not necessarily a great day on the emotional scale as far as days go. But tomorrow will be better….
Next Christmas all I want is to be able to write a post about how we’d figured it out… that we found each other again, or at least were on the way to where we needed to be… As far as Christmas’s go, I hope for me this is rock bottom. Merry Christmas 2018~ 💔
Good luck…wishing you both happiness